A moment to remember.

Tomorrow i will wake up and it will be a year. A year since he died...a year since i sat on the front entry way floor and sobbed to the point i couldnt breath. When i think to that day i dont remember much other than tears, feelings, and thoughts. Like most i suddenly thought to the memories... the image of his face...his blue eyes with soft wrinkles on the outer corners. His mischivious smile he could not hide. The way his whole body was comsumed in joy when he laughed. I go back to the viewing and funeral and i see myself in shock of the people who came. I knew he was amazing but i never knew of the power in one mans hands. He had touched so many and given so much. I still think of him daily and puse at times to close my eyes and see if i can see him. The image i get is of a man made whole once again. I know we are told to be happy for them because they are in a better place, and i am but for a few moments tomorrow i will wish he was still here.

I LOVE YOU GRANDPA!!!

Unafraid and unashamed

STOP.....GO......no no..Wait...close your eyes forget about to day and get lost in yesterday.think hard and remember that one thing that you cant let go of. That one mistake...that one simple mistake you made in a moment in time. Remember how it ate you up inside how it tourchered your every thought. you couldnt get over the thought that you would do such a thing. the sick feeling lasted for days, weeks. months, maybe even years. It slowly started to sufficate you from the inside out. okay...now open your eyes. Look in the mirror. Look at yourself...NO REALLY LOOK! Look were you are standing...YOU are not that person anymore. REMEMBER...how you removed that part of your life completely..remember how you asked yourself to let go and forgive yourself and you asked for the forgiveness of others. Remember how you completely changed because of that mistake!!! The truth is that we all make mistakes. We all get stuck in a ditch sometimes and have to slowly climb our way back out. Once we are out and have overcome that mistake we must learn to let go and notice we are better because of it! for all we know the ditch was ment to be there it was put on the driving range for a reason and you overcame it! what mistake have you made? what is it that you have not yet forgiven yourself of? what is it that keeps you from taking a good look in the mirror? You need to move on...let go. live in the now!!! open up and live for today,right here,right now! you will love every breath taking second of it! trust me...I know i do!

NoT yEt AlOnE

WoW its been a minute since i have written anything!  So i have been having a hard few weeks...it seems like when it rains it decides to POUR it all out on top of you!!! (I just wish it was gum balls like in bedtime stories...bummer). but hey...what can i do about it?! put on some poka dot rain boots and a pull out a ladybug umbrella and strut it along the way i guess right! : P the truth is that we all have our sturggles in life and i have grown quite fond of them because without them i dont know what i would do. They have made me so much stronger and i know i can over come anything im like super girl (i just need a kick butt cape and mask). complete side note i just saw a boost moble commercial and i want you all to know how much i hate them! ANYWAYS......as i have stated i LOVE positive awesome things! thats kinda my thing for 2010! One of my awesome friends posted a quote that i love and maybe i love it because i love Marilyn Monroe but i just wanted to share it with you all.  "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and sometimes hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best". ♥ Marilyn Monroe 
I LOVE THAT!!!! Think about it we all have those days where at some point we can relate to this. I guess in the end what matters most is the person standing next to you along the journey. Maybe its not just one person maybe you have a whole team of people. I know at times we feel alone and a little frustrated with life and its demanding challenges but we always have somewhere to turn and go. NO MATTER what may come our way we all are loved by someone in the world and that very person is thinking of you often. For me knowing that and having a firm understanding that no matter how bad my day is or how great it is i know that someone is on my team and what a reward it will make the journey with them with me!!! The truth is that i am so imperfect, i am out of control becuase i dont like to live life by a rule book, i wear my insecurities on my sleeves, and my inpatientness comes from the fact that i am selfish and i dont want to wait for things to happen i want to make them come when i want them too! So if you can see past all of this and accept it i would like to welcome you to my crazy world! (it only gets better) :)

Dont be affaid to SHINE!

It just so happens that I love things that are inspiring and optimistic! I think its important to have something in life that inspires you. As for me i have always been inspired by music and others and there thoughts. I actuallly carry around a blue book that has the word dream on the front of it and in this book i keep all the secret words of others that have seemed to inspire a thought in my mind. Some are funny, sentimental, profound, and just plain inspiring and uplifting. I like to look through this book when i am down or just needing a little inspiration at the moment. When i was in a music class in school the teacher pulled out a paper for each student with the following Inauguration address.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest feat is that we are powerful beyond our measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am i to be brillliant, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?...Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlighening about shrinking so that orher people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory...that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other peoople permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Nelson Mandela
(Inauguration address)

I never really knew how much i would rely apon these powerful words. I mean read it slow and really think about what you are saying! apply it to yourself! Think about it....our deepest fear is that we AER powerful beyone our measure, and it is our light that fightens us!!!! I mean wow!!! All of us are different and have different strengths and talents, but is it the fear of what others might do or think of us once we allow ourselfs to accept and show others this bear raw vulnerable part of us...is it our fear that we might accutally be something great! I love how it says we were born to make manifest the GLORY that is within us. Not just some BUT IN ALL!! I find it interesting that it states that it is us who gives one another permission to share that light. How funny would it be if we all were to let go and take a chance and just let loose and allow ourselfs to be great....oh how different the world would be. Would we live in fear of one anothers judging thoughts....would we live in fear of ourselfs? I believe the time has come for us all to allow LIGHT to shine forth from all of us! Be who you are and whatever that may be...be great at it perfect it,be unstoppable!

Mezels, womps, and woosles

I hate being sick. There is no fun it! Sure it gives you the excuse to lay around and watch movies. Usually you have someone to take care of you and sure thats great and all but when your sick you really just dont care! Honestly think about it...you dont care what your wearing, where you sleep, what your house looks like. You tend to just want to lay in bed with all your meds, a box of tissuies, and the biggest blanket you can find! yep thats how i feel. Sure i appriciate the calls and text of "how are you feeling?" "Let me know if you need anything!" but in the end all i want is to be five again when my mommy would rub my back and read to me till i fell asleep. i know i know i am grown up but still...thats what i want!!!! BEING SICK SUCKS ASS!!!!

I used to thing my life would work out perfectly! I would finish school be this very accomplished strong woman and i would do and be so many great things. Then high school reality hit...i spiraled in to this person that was just not at all who i expected to be or see in myself. Sure i was young and thought that i was invinsible and didnt want anyone or anything to tell me what i could or couldnt do, and if they did i was going to do it no matter what the cost. OH HOW STUPID!!! I find myself thinking i wish i would have thought that through a lil more or my all time fav. i wish i would have listened!!! As time has gone on i have only become more stuborn,a lil care free when it came to things,i hate asking for help and i still dont really listen! YA THINK I WOULD GET THE HANG OF IT!!! I have spent the last two days thinking about myself and who and what i am to be....and i realized i am nothing of what i wanted to be. I dont know that sounds a lil debby downer and what not but i dont mean it in that way. I dont know to most who saw such bright things for me...i mean they must really be bummer out right now....I never became that nurse i was to be....I never did amazing things with music like i was to...I just didnt do the things i was supposed to when i was supposed to do them. Last night i went to a lil devotional thing which really is not my thing at all but i went because i had already committed to sing at it but in all honesty i felt so out of place but not ashamed if you know what i mean. I dont know how to explain what i felt being there...I guess peace,Loved,and i honestly can say that someone in that room was not dissapointed and it was me!!!! For the first time in a long time life was how it was ment to be, how it always was supposed to be. I was ment to live life this way...it is the things that i have been through and will yet do and be apart of that will make me most happy. I am to let go and to allow these things to shape me, which they already have with out me truely noticing. No longer will i be worried that i have dissapointed someone or feel that i have made a bad choice in life because around every turn there is some new door. I will not allow myself to dabble in what i should have been or should have done because they all are what ifs...I will live for right here right now and be the best Me. I will make the most out of what is placed in front of me!

breath taking climb

I believe i can make the honest statement that i love pictures!!! I love capturing the smiles, the happy, fun, real emotion you see on peoples faces when they smile in a photo. maybe its just the beauty i see around me in the photo. For whatever reason it is i love pictures! Have you ever climbed a mountain or just been on a hike and taken your camera?  As you look back at the film for that trip you have the picture at the begining where eveyone is happy and really excited then we have the first water/resting break and onece again people are a lil hot and not as happy as when we started but they fudge a smile or two with some laughs. then things start to get hard you feel like your legs are jello and at any moment you might die from being so tired but your missing this moment in the film. No one cought that moment in time. why? We all like to take pictures at the top of the mountain, with happy faces, smiles, and some enthusiasim in them. We forget to take pictures along the way of what really matters and means the most to us, because who wants to remember the moments where its not all smiles and cheers? I dont!!! When i look back on things i have done in my life i see it all as a big room filled with albums apon albums of photos and moments that some i never want to forget and others i dont nessiceraly want to forget them but if given the chance to photoshop them a bit i might jump at the oppertunity! These last few months of my life i wouldnt say have been hard or difficult but just a lil overwhealming. I feel like i have been flooded with emotion and great oppertunity that i dont know what to do with it! I have grown as a indivitual and i think for me and others thats scary!  I think i can be as bold to say that i am not anymore the same girl i was in most of my photo albums of life. I think when myslef and others look at me they cant help but want to see the girl i was so long ago in that album! Its never easy to change or to make desicions on your own but it must be done. At times you must climb alone for a bit and make desicions that in the end have weighing results. Most of these things are not taken to lightly or go with out some tears and deep thought process. No one is a master at the art of photo taking, but we push ourselfs to be. we have to not because we like it. Its the relentless climb to the top of the mountain to get the picture that gets to us. the pain and anguish of taking things to the next level....i never take pictures of all that because i dont want to remember all that. I want to remember the moment at the top....the breath taking view at the edge of the world. Thats what keeps me climbing and its worth all the unwanted remembering part...ITS WORTH EVERYTHING!!!

The last week i have been thinking A LOT!!! which is never a good thing when i actually have to think about things that just are not a natural thought process to me! I always tent to over think things and freak myself out or just think about them till i go crazy! its so anoying i need a robot friend to tell this stuff to so it can just come up with all the things for me!!! bahahaha yeah right fool!!! but anyways back to my thinking...i have decided to really take a trillion steps back and really look at things from a different point and do a lot of observing. Its so amazing the things you see in others when you honestly take the time to really look at them and not just what you see and already know! I mean you think you really know someone and then you just totally take a different approch to knowing them and wow...im blown away!!! I really have tried not to be a judging person in my life but its hard not to be when someone totally hurts you or someone you know and love! Love...? hmm this has come up a lot in my mind! what is it and do i really understand it just being as i am only twenty! here is what i have come up with...This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions. completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa. This is what love should be right? Thats the perfect image we all want in our lives, or at least its what i thought thats what it ment! Tonight i was tought a very big leason and its a night i wont forget! I have maybe been in what i thought was "LOve" twice in my life. I think i felt what was stated above. I dont know if they did but i most deffinantly did! Now that i am older and not much wiser i have now just stummbled apon something...What happens if you Love someone the way it was stated above but the other has peices of that love missing...what if they love you but dont want to be so forth coming about themselfs, or maybe they dont really see true happyness with you!? is it still love? Remember they still trust you and would do anything for you but is that what love should really be? Something else has crossed my mind... do we as humans let our selfs be defined by our love!? do we get so cought up in the whole thing that we end up really losing or hiding who we are and who we are supposed to be all because we want someone to want us and to love us back?! In my mind thats not how it should be...i dont know how to say what i think it really should be....i guess what i am saying is "love" is selfless, its supposed to be pacient and kind, Its is to delight in the truth of all things. It shouldnt be bostfull or conceited. in my mind it has no limits, it fears nothing. Love is faith, hope, and endurence!!! but then how do we know what these things are? faith what is it?
to me faith is KNOWING that tomorrow will be brighter. To hope is to carry a prayer with us. Endrence is being able to withstand any storm no matter the length of it or how hard it is! now lets back up to my question of losing who you are in the mist of this all, or do we even really know who we are? are we just making ourselfs to fit what we think is "love" matterial? Im sorry but i dont want to live my life in such a way that i have to make myself someone i dont know when i look in the mirror. i dont want to be lost, or have to change to love or to be loved. I love love love the   Inauguration address given by Nelson Mandela it states as follows "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest feat is that we are powerful beyond our measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am i to be brillliant, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?...Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlighening about shrinking so that orher people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory...that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other peoople permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others".
I think i have a firm understanding of it all now!!! i must fist learn of myselfs love then let others love what i am!! and let that love spread to the ones i met!

The wishy washy game...

So i just happen to be in LOVE with a blog called the Confessions From a Mormon Batchelor Pad. If you have not read it your weird and we cant be friends for a few days because that kind of behavior is just unaccepable!!! ANYWAYS...i love this blog because of the realness of these boys and because i love the honesty of it all! I have to addmit at times i have been a lil like oh my gosh you so did not just post that much information about this girl it might be mean but the thing is that if i was in their shoes i dont know that i wouldnt do and say the same thing! Yes i know you all are waiting on the big BUT and yes its coming......
BUT...the most recent post from today kinda made me start to think. Jake talks about how this girl he at one point had a thing with is probably getting engaged and he is now in regret of letting her go and wants her back!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH... yeah i am a lil anyoyed by that!!! COME ON JAKE!!!! you made a choice and now you have to live with it thats life dont start playing the pitty regret game! I HATE HATE HATE when guys to the wishy washy oh i think i like you and then yeah this just is not what i want and its not working then two to three months later Hey how are you i miss you we should hang out!!! You really want to know what goes through my mind at that point...UMMM HELL NO!!! i dont want to see you i dont want to have feeling for you and i deffinantly dont want to hang out with you (all tho the butterflys in my stomach are telling me something else)!!!!! Answer me this..why do guys do that? Its like they cant let anyone else have what they at one point had and then they realize hey that girl was really fun and i did like her. I just wanted to let all you guys know thats a big NO NO!!!
I am not dogging on just jake. All you guys do it and it really needs to stop! PLEASE! I still love Jake and Calvin and will not quit reading the blog!
OH and its friday and "ALICE" is out and i am just SO excited! :)

Pretty impressed!

eww so the lady on fox 13 named Sandy is not really camera pretty she really should consider not tanning anymore and maybey a new hairstyle would really do her some good!

Moving on...Yesterday i watched Oprah. Why? Jessica Simpson was on talking about beauty and the big John Mayer playboy interview where he totally devolged to much information! I dont really like Oprah or Jessica Simpson but i must addmit i was impressed by her! She is undeniable a very attracktive,beautiful girl. Her singing we can talk about another day. The show started off talking about the pic. of her that come out a few summers ago with her wearing what they called "mommy jeans" i honestly thought she looked cute in them but they called her fat and said she really had let herself go. hmmm....    I dont think she looked that bad!!! Okay people lets get real ALL WOMEN AT SOME POINT FLEXUAIT IN WEIGHT!!!!! im sorry i had to just break it to you. Jessica was very open to with the subject end even told what size of jeans she wears....take a guess....yep a size 4-6! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! And some person in this retarded world seems to think thats FAT!!! HAHAHA i laugh in your face.that someone needs a big wake up call. Merolin Monre was a size 16 and BEAUTIFUL!!! Im sorry i think curvy girls are so pretty (not in a lesiben nasty way but in a wow she is a very pretty girl). I high five Jessica Simpson on holding her head high and saying she doesnt care what others think because its a womans heart that makes her beautiful!!! yeah okay you can say she gained points in my book! Then she got asked what i think would be the most aqward question ever...what do you think about John Mayer and his interview in the new issue of the playboy magizine?? UGH...i felt for her sitting on that stage at that moment! I dont really know what i would say or do if someone i was dating went into that much detail of our relationship!!! NO thats not true i do know what i would do but im not sure i would  be capable of really doing it so we will just leave it at that! Jessica really answered this question in a classy way and i was impressed. She says that she tried to read the article but couldnt..she says it was discouraging because thats not the John she knew. Shes a lil bit mad about it but that she feels more betrayed then anything and she hopes John get his life together!! I mean WOW. If that was me i totally would have just been like in tears and SO SO angry and i would have talked a LOT of trash hahaha! I mean here is a girl who has really been draged throught the mud and she still fights back with a smile!!! I really admire that. She has a new show coming out on vh1 called "The Price of Beauty". All in all she really made me take about five steps back and think about how i view beauty. for heaven sakes i work in the beauty industry and i never really thought that i would realize that my job is not to just give a girl a cute haircut that they asked for that looks good in them but that my job is to take the girls inner beauty and let that show through on the outside!!! She is right ITS A GIRLS HEART THAT MAKES HER BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Update!!! :)

I dont know what was with the judges tonight on american idol but they are CRAZY!!!! Casey was amazing and i am still in lust over him! He is just perfect!!! I feel guilty...i think i might be in love with a few others as well!!!! well actually just one other....LEE DEWYZE!!! come on natalie what is it with you and the rocker boyz!!! Im just a sucker for them! Now back to LEE <3 oh my oh my...he has the prettest eyes i have ever seen i get lost in them and thats no joke. His skin is perfect its that kind of skin you admire and want for yourself and you just want to touch. like when your on a date with someone and you can tell they have soft hands just by looking at them so you hold their hand just so you can feel how soft they really are...yeah thats how i feel about lee's skin!Ii love his facial hair!!! OH MY!!! between him and casey i just may have to flip a coin!!!! i just may have to make it a trick coin so it has to faces so then i can have them both bahahaha!!


Over all i think the men did a okay job tonight...it wasnt amazing but it was a okay night we just need to weed out mullet man and the wanna be usher/neyo and michale jackson wanna bes and we will have a pretty damn good guy section!!! oh and what was with the my girl song...come on its not theme night just yet!!!! :P I thought it was all time hits i understand it was a hit but we need a rememrable performance and that is only to be remembered by the fact that you sucked at singing it and it was just bad pick of song choice! I must say i am pretty pumped to hear the girls tomorrow i hope its better then last week!!! oh im cheering for lacy and hailey and lilly!!!

kinda cheesey

So i have been thinking a lot about people and the relationship i share with those people. Most people who know me pretty well know that i am a very blunt and opinionated person and dont take to much of what i say to heart or just dont take me seriously. But i believe in just being real and telling others how it is because in the end if your not honest with them and they come to and asked you why you didnt tell them? what are you going to say...i was trying to spare your  feelings...or i am sorry i just cant be honest with you. I mean come on people it saves so much more time just to say it how it is! In the end i have realized that i tend to be a lil to honest with people thinking that they will take it well and wont get mad because for heaven sakes they asked for my opinion. Well it doesnt always work that way and i end up without the friendship continuing which is the pits!

I am getting off point tho. In my ponderings of these people and the diff. relationships i share with them i have been wondering why it is that i can put all these diff. people in completely diff. groupings. In high school my mom would say i had a group of friends who were my "FUN" friends and then i had my "SMART" friends! haha i used to laugh about it and didnt even think twice about it. Now that i am older i now realize kind of what she may have been trying to point out to me but i think she was sugar coating it a bit because she didnt know how i would react to her really trying to say..."nat i think you need to be careful of who you are hanging out with...you have some great friends but please use good judgement when you are out with these friends. Oh how i wish she might have been a lil blunt about it! GEEEZZZZ. I now understand mom. thanks for the suddle hints that just hit about 5 years to late haha. which leads me to how relationships work. when you love and trust someone the line of comunication is more open and you realize that what that person is trying to tell you they are telling you it out of love for you and because they want you to be happy. Its not just your parents who have this kind of relationship with you it can be your friends as well. I am just know realizing that the relationships you make with people really can have a influence on shaping you for things yet to come in life. Some times those relationships last a while and some are cut short but no matter what i am very grateful for the amazing people in my life!!!

dirty lil secrets

So last time i was really really really upset about the once apon a time love of my life Ronnie Brewer. In the end i realized i needed to move on but how!? So....there is a pretty popular show that i love (american idol) and tonight i found my new love! WHO? you ask....his name is Casey and he is pretty much the most BEAUTIFUL man i have ever seen. Let me explain...

If you have watched the show and seen him you have noticed his amazing hot singing voice which has given him MAJOR points. Then lets move on to his hair...yes yes i know its long and i really dont like that on most guys but on him i love it and i love the fact that its curly. ( Hot Singing Guy + curly hai r= I want to marry you) Its like he just got out of the shower and its curly wet and you know it smells wonderful and you just want to run your fingers through his hair as you kiss him!!! agh! Then his smile oh my gosh i just cant help but smile back at the tv when he smiles on stage or just at all for that matter. Then suddenly i end up looking like barbie with a glued on smile. :) Then lets talk about his outfits...I LOVE the shirts he wears oh and his jeans!!! He is a good dresser which makes me very happy indeed. oh my good golly! I guess in all you can say i am a sucker for boys who are a lil cowboyish. I honestly think its ment to be folks. OH and he is going to atleast make the top five...i have yet to narrow it down from there. 

I LOVE CASEY!!!!!! <3

UP and DOWN up AND down.....

The journey of life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes good and somtimes bad. I am more than sure you all know what i am talking about! Well yesterday i faced a down....for some of it it will seem completely pointless and stupid but i am really upset about it!! But lets back up just a bit and let me give you some history leading into this castistrophic disapointment. Most of you know that Utah does have a NBA basketball team known as the Utah Jazz. I remember being little and watching the jazz when they were in their prime with John stockton and Carl Malone. (oh the good ole days) Well about two years ago myself and my best friend and i decided that it would be so awesome to attend a Jazz game in these really awesome outfits we put together. So we purchesed out tickets and dressed in out Jazz jerseys and knee high socks with white tennies with our baby blue work out shorts on and headed for the energy solutions arena. Oh and did i mention it was the middle of january in salt lake city.(Freazzing) Yeah i know we got some great looks and it was so much FUN! I remember this night not because it was a up moment in my life but because it was the night i fell in love with #9....Yes thats right RONNIE BREWER!!! From that day on i watched almost every game and cheered him on! I was smitten by a man i would never meet but no one was ever going to change the little girl dream that we would one day meet and fall in love and live happily ever after....till yesterday when the Jazz decided that they would trade the love of my life to Memphis!!! WHAT THE HECK...WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE!?!?!? As you can imagine i was devistated.So now i am in a down in my life. Guess im changing teams sorry jazz you will totally miss out on the epic outfits now! bummer for you all.