A moment to remember.

Tomorrow i will wake up and it will be a year. A year since he died...a year since i sat on the front entry way floor and sobbed to the point i couldnt breath. When i think to that day i dont remember much other than tears, feelings, and thoughts. Like most i suddenly thought to the memories... the image of his face...his blue eyes with soft wrinkles on the outer corners. His mischivious smile he could not hide. The way his whole body was comsumed in joy when he laughed. I go back to the viewing and funeral and i see myself in shock of the people who came. I knew he was amazing but i never knew of the power in one mans hands. He had touched so many and given so much. I still think of him daily and puse at times to close my eyes and see if i can see him. The image i get is of a man made whole once again. I know we are told to be happy for them because they are in a better place, and i am but for a few moments tomorrow i will wish he was still here.

I LOVE YOU GRANDPA!!!

Unafraid and unashamed

STOP.....GO......no no..Wait...close your eyes forget about to day and get lost in yesterday.think hard and remember that one thing that you cant let go of. That one mistake...that one simple mistake you made in a moment in time. Remember how it ate you up inside how it tourchered your every thought. you couldnt get over the thought that you would do such a thing. the sick feeling lasted for days, weeks. months, maybe even years. It slowly started to sufficate you from the inside out. okay...now open your eyes. Look in the mirror. Look at yourself...NO REALLY LOOK! Look were you are standing...YOU are not that person anymore. REMEMBER...how you removed that part of your life completely..remember how you asked yourself to let go and forgive yourself and you asked for the forgiveness of others. Remember how you completely changed because of that mistake!!! The truth is that we all make mistakes. We all get stuck in a ditch sometimes and have to slowly climb our way back out. Once we are out and have overcome that mistake we must learn to let go and notice we are better because of it! for all we know the ditch was ment to be there it was put on the driving range for a reason and you overcame it! what mistake have you made? what is it that you have not yet forgiven yourself of? what is it that keeps you from taking a good look in the mirror? You need to move on...let go. live in the now!!! open up and live for today,right here,right now! you will love every breath taking second of it! trust me...I know i do!

NoT yEt AlOnE

WoW its been a minute since i have written anything!  So i have been having a hard few weeks...it seems like when it rains it decides to POUR it all out on top of you!!! (I just wish it was gum balls like in bedtime stories...bummer). but hey...what can i do about it?! put on some poka dot rain boots and a pull out a ladybug umbrella and strut it along the way i guess right! : P the truth is that we all have our sturggles in life and i have grown quite fond of them because without them i dont know what i would do. They have made me so much stronger and i know i can over come anything im like super girl (i just need a kick butt cape and mask). complete side note i just saw a boost moble commercial and i want you all to know how much i hate them! ANYWAYS......as i have stated i LOVE positive awesome things! thats kinda my thing for 2010! One of my awesome friends posted a quote that i love and maybe i love it because i love Marilyn Monroe but i just wanted to share it with you all.  "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and sometimes hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best". ♥ Marilyn Monroe 
I LOVE THAT!!!! Think about it we all have those days where at some point we can relate to this. I guess in the end what matters most is the person standing next to you along the journey. Maybe its not just one person maybe you have a whole team of people. I know at times we feel alone and a little frustrated with life and its demanding challenges but we always have somewhere to turn and go. NO MATTER what may come our way we all are loved by someone in the world and that very person is thinking of you often. For me knowing that and having a firm understanding that no matter how bad my day is or how great it is i know that someone is on my team and what a reward it will make the journey with them with me!!! The truth is that i am so imperfect, i am out of control becuase i dont like to live life by a rule book, i wear my insecurities on my sleeves, and my inpatientness comes from the fact that i am selfish and i dont want to wait for things to happen i want to make them come when i want them too! So if you can see past all of this and accept it i would like to welcome you to my crazy world! (it only gets better) :)

Dont be affaid to SHINE!

It just so happens that I love things that are inspiring and optimistic! I think its important to have something in life that inspires you. As for me i have always been inspired by music and others and there thoughts. I actuallly carry around a blue book that has the word dream on the front of it and in this book i keep all the secret words of others that have seemed to inspire a thought in my mind. Some are funny, sentimental, profound, and just plain inspiring and uplifting. I like to look through this book when i am down or just needing a little inspiration at the moment. When i was in a music class in school the teacher pulled out a paper for each student with the following Inauguration address.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest feat is that we are powerful beyond our measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am i to be brillliant, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?...Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlighening about shrinking so that orher people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory...that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other peoople permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Nelson Mandela
(Inauguration address)

I never really knew how much i would rely apon these powerful words. I mean read it slow and really think about what you are saying! apply it to yourself! Think about it....our deepest fear is that we AER powerful beyone our measure, and it is our light that fightens us!!!! I mean wow!!! All of us are different and have different strengths and talents, but is it the fear of what others might do or think of us once we allow ourselfs to accept and show others this bear raw vulnerable part of us...is it our fear that we might accutally be something great! I love how it says we were born to make manifest the GLORY that is within us. Not just some BUT IN ALL!! I find it interesting that it states that it is us who gives one another permission to share that light. How funny would it be if we all were to let go and take a chance and just let loose and allow ourselfs to be great....oh how different the world would be. Would we live in fear of one anothers judging thoughts....would we live in fear of ourselfs? I believe the time has come for us all to allow LIGHT to shine forth from all of us! Be who you are and whatever that may be...be great at it perfect it,be unstoppable!

Mezels, womps, and woosles

I hate being sick. There is no fun it! Sure it gives you the excuse to lay around and watch movies. Usually you have someone to take care of you and sure thats great and all but when your sick you really just dont care! Honestly think about it...you dont care what your wearing, where you sleep, what your house looks like. You tend to just want to lay in bed with all your meds, a box of tissuies, and the biggest blanket you can find! yep thats how i feel. Sure i appriciate the calls and text of "how are you feeling?" "Let me know if you need anything!" but in the end all i want is to be five again when my mommy would rub my back and read to me till i fell asleep. i know i know i am grown up but still...thats what i want!!!! BEING SICK SUCKS ASS!!!!

I used to thing my life would work out perfectly! I would finish school be this very accomplished strong woman and i would do and be so many great things. Then high school reality hit...i spiraled in to this person that was just not at all who i expected to be or see in myself. Sure i was young and thought that i was invinsible and didnt want anyone or anything to tell me what i could or couldnt do, and if they did i was going to do it no matter what the cost. OH HOW STUPID!!! I find myself thinking i wish i would have thought that through a lil more or my all time fav. i wish i would have listened!!! As time has gone on i have only become more stuborn,a lil care free when it came to things,i hate asking for help and i still dont really listen! YA THINK I WOULD GET THE HANG OF IT!!! I have spent the last two days thinking about myself and who and what i am to be....and i realized i am nothing of what i wanted to be. I dont know that sounds a lil debby downer and what not but i dont mean it in that way. I dont know to most who saw such bright things for me...i mean they must really be bummer out right now....I never became that nurse i was to be....I never did amazing things with music like i was to...I just didnt do the things i was supposed to when i was supposed to do them. Last night i went to a lil devotional thing which really is not my thing at all but i went because i had already committed to sing at it but in all honesty i felt so out of place but not ashamed if you know what i mean. I dont know how to explain what i felt being there...I guess peace,Loved,and i honestly can say that someone in that room was not dissapointed and it was me!!!! For the first time in a long time life was how it was ment to be, how it always was supposed to be. I was ment to live life this way...it is the things that i have been through and will yet do and be apart of that will make me most happy. I am to let go and to allow these things to shape me, which they already have with out me truely noticing. No longer will i be worried that i have dissapointed someone or feel that i have made a bad choice in life because around every turn there is some new door. I will not allow myself to dabble in what i should have been or should have done because they all are what ifs...I will live for right here right now and be the best Me. I will make the most out of what is placed in front of me!

breath taking climb

I believe i can make the honest statement that i love pictures!!! I love capturing the smiles, the happy, fun, real emotion you see on peoples faces when they smile in a photo. maybe its just the beauty i see around me in the photo. For whatever reason it is i love pictures! Have you ever climbed a mountain or just been on a hike and taken your camera?  As you look back at the film for that trip you have the picture at the begining where eveyone is happy and really excited then we have the first water/resting break and onece again people are a lil hot and not as happy as when we started but they fudge a smile or two with some laughs. then things start to get hard you feel like your legs are jello and at any moment you might die from being so tired but your missing this moment in the film. No one cought that moment in time. why? We all like to take pictures at the top of the mountain, with happy faces, smiles, and some enthusiasim in them. We forget to take pictures along the way of what really matters and means the most to us, because who wants to remember the moments where its not all smiles and cheers? I dont!!! When i look back on things i have done in my life i see it all as a big room filled with albums apon albums of photos and moments that some i never want to forget and others i dont nessiceraly want to forget them but if given the chance to photoshop them a bit i might jump at the oppertunity! These last few months of my life i wouldnt say have been hard or difficult but just a lil overwhealming. I feel like i have been flooded with emotion and great oppertunity that i dont know what to do with it! I have grown as a indivitual and i think for me and others thats scary!  I think i can be as bold to say that i am not anymore the same girl i was in most of my photo albums of life. I think when myslef and others look at me they cant help but want to see the girl i was so long ago in that album! Its never easy to change or to make desicions on your own but it must be done. At times you must climb alone for a bit and make desicions that in the end have weighing results. Most of these things are not taken to lightly or go with out some tears and deep thought process. No one is a master at the art of photo taking, but we push ourselfs to be. we have to not because we like it. Its the relentless climb to the top of the mountain to get the picture that gets to us. the pain and anguish of taking things to the next level....i never take pictures of all that because i dont want to remember all that. I want to remember the moment at the top....the breath taking view at the edge of the world. Thats what keeps me climbing and its worth all the unwanted remembering part...ITS WORTH EVERYTHING!!!